Chaos. Order. Chaos rises from the order we desire to create. Slip one little block out and the whole structure crashes down, it's chaos. But when it's chaos that I came out to create, will order turn to chaos and vice-versa? Little changes mess up the "system".
This is supposed to be chaos.
It amazes me to see how many of us out there want to show the world we're hurt. Wanting to scream out, "Look at me...I'm sick, I'm twisted, I'm in pain, the world is not fair and now I'm not going to care about anything and I'll quote rock-stars and Dante and Tolstoy just to prove how I feel...LOOK AT ME!! I'M DIFFERENT." About as different as the other millions calling out the same thing. Is it because inside we are so lost that we'll take whatever little compassion we get? When did the world get so fucked up that we have to shout out in the hope that someone will say I care, even if they never mean it? We are all just looking for attention. Hungry little creatures, willing to be led to slaughter, just to leave an illusion of a mark. We forget, nobody gives shit about the lamb, there's always another one waiting in the pen.
The world is going crazy. It's not a good thing to be normal anymore. When in Rome...
Crash and Burn.
|
These words will not mean anything. Because no one will know what I had to say, and what I meant, even with all these words.
This is NOT going to be a great read, first of all. Cause I'm not expecting any audience, and I'm just writing the first thing that comes to my mind, a confession has no drafts.
I have done a a lot of things wrong in my life. And every time something goes wrong, I tell myself the old saying "What goes around comes around". But then once in a while something happens that can shake up the entire belief system. Something that can make me think, "I never even did anything close to this, so why did this happen to me?" Fate's vengeance doesn't do play by play...no evaluation, just retribution.
I just had a dream where I killed myself. Slit my throat apparently. I woke up and after a while started thinking if there'd be reasons for me good enough to kill myself. Career failures? That's definitely not me. Never felt like it even in the worst of my exams. Depression? i live with it, depression is now more like that annoying neighbor that keeps popping in every once in a while. So I thought I'd make a list of three things that would make me kill myself. This thing is getting too morose, I know. So here's what I could come up with:
1. Untimely death of a loved one that'd continue to haunt me, or causing someone's death, accidental, not deliberate. If it was deliberate I think I could live with that.
2. Betrayal by a loved one. It's not that I mind being out witted or being made a fool of. It's the part where trust dies that would drive me over the edge. It's the part where mockery of belief is made where pain festers. Trust and belief sound like strange words coming from a man who condemned god as a child cause his prayers went unanswered, but I do believe people need those things, unless we want the world to burn.
3. Momentary rage on a high. A drunk argument. Losing control while being stoned. That's the only third reason I could think of.
Are there any people in the world who feel for you, without being biased by the way you feel for them? Without having their thoughts muddled by the way you make them feel about themselves? If we took these things out, does anybody feel for anybody without having a motive to do so? They say I love you, cause you make me feel good, and the things you do, and how you make me feel. I say I love you, and I don't care about the other things and I don't want you to care either. I think of you and I feel this thing I've never felt before, and that's love and I love you. Simple as that.
Love. Space. Understanding. Trust. Mutual respect. 5 things a relationship needs, If i recall the list right...
The world will never change. We will never change. Each generation will keep blaming the one before it for all the mess this world has to put up with, and will keep hoping that the next generation will wipe it up clean. we are just passing by.
Are you laughing at me, you silly old fool? Laughing at me and wondering why I sit and say these words that no one reads, and you won't understand? Do you? Come and sit in my place, you old fool, sit and see what I have seen. See the love, the hate, the pain, the anger, the envy, the lust...and then you'll see that once you've been down that road, you just see everything as black. Nothing to distinguish what the mind sees and what the mind says. Then you'll see, you old fool, that I was in your place once, mocking the man who said these words...and now I pay for my folly.
I am the worst person I know. To think of it, it should be true of everybody. But then, when we think of the people we know, we tend to eliminate ourselves from the count. Anyway, to get back to the agenda, I am the worst person I know. I think I am pathetic because I lack the basic survival skills needed here. I ostracized the instincts needed to survive, then I went crazy, crazy enough to believe that we are living in a real space. We are not. The world is not out there, it's what we make of it inside our heads. It's your fairytale or your nightmare. And we keep bouncing to and fro. We have no controls over our minds, it's like a nerve that won't stop twitching even after you lose consciousness. The mind was made to control. But who'll control the mind??
I hate mirrors. Because they make me see "me". Mirrors send me on a guilt trip, I can't look at myself in the eye. It's like the guy looking back at me is asking me, "What happened to you?" This is a guy who I have let down. This is the one guy I shoulder really looked after, but i did not. He is disappointed and that shows every single time I look in the mirror. I talk to the mirror too, but don't tell anybody. And the occasional karaoke. I'm just trying to make it up to that guy. I disappoint him, might as well as amuse him.
I am scared of being abandoned. Jefferson Airplane was bang on with the "Don't you want somebody to love??" cry. Everybody would say I am insane if I said this out loud, but I'm playing my last dime on the game of love, which the experienced would tell you, is not the brightest thing to do. But I can't think of anything I'd replace it with. Passions? I don't have a talent to have a passion for. Work? Family? Alcohol? Cigarettes? Sex? Nothing. I like to wake up in the morning thinking there's more to me being here in the world than just me, there's someone else who wants me to be here too. Makes me feel less selfish. And I know there's a real good chance (I'm not the easiest guy to be with) one day I'll wake up and that feeling will have gone. And that scares me...
The stupid don't scare easily. Unless you bring in the fear of enlightenment. With knowledge comes the fear, we are not scared if we don't understand. The day we know, is the day were condemned.
"Walking across the scorching desert, I came upon a creature,
Naked. Bestial.
It held a heart in its hands and ate off it.
I asked him, "How is it, my friend?"
He replied, "it's bitter.
And I love it. Because it is bitter,
And 'cause it is my heart. My bitter heart..."
I don't believe in a single word I've said.
I can't be trusted.
Why are you reading this?
Stop!!
This is my wound, and I like picking at it. But if you like watching, what does that make you?
I can feel the disgust in the world's eyes as I pass them by.
But someone will remember me.
Or what they thought I was.
Lies. The structure crumbles. Ashes to ashes. Dust to dust.
Not tonight. Freedom comes at a price.
And I shall have to pay.
The whole world is a madhouse. The only thing is, our prisons are inside our heads.
This is NOT going to be a great read, first of all. Cause I'm not expecting any audience, and I'm just writing the first thing that comes to my mind, a confession has no drafts.
I have done a a lot of things wrong in my life. And every time something goes wrong, I tell myself the old saying "What goes around comes around". But then once in a while something happens that can shake up the entire belief system. Something that can make me think, "I never even did anything close to this, so why did this happen to me?" Fate's vengeance doesn't do play by play...no evaluation, just retribution.
I just had a dream where I killed myself. Slit my throat apparently. I woke up and after a while started thinking if there'd be reasons for me good enough to kill myself. Career failures? That's definitely not me. Never felt like it even in the worst of my exams. Depression? i live with it, depression is now more like that annoying neighbor that keeps popping in every once in a while. So I thought I'd make a list of three things that would make me kill myself. This thing is getting too morose, I know. So here's what I could come up with:
1. Untimely death of a loved one that'd continue to haunt me, or causing someone's death, accidental, not deliberate. If it was deliberate I think I could live with that.
2. Betrayal by a loved one. It's not that I mind being out witted or being made a fool of. It's the part where trust dies that would drive me over the edge. It's the part where mockery of belief is made where pain festers. Trust and belief sound like strange words coming from a man who condemned god as a child cause his prayers went unanswered, but I do believe people need those things, unless we want the world to burn.
3. Momentary rage on a high. A drunk argument. Losing control while being stoned. That's the only third reason I could think of.
Are there any people in the world who feel for you, without being biased by the way you feel for them? Without having their thoughts muddled by the way you make them feel about themselves? If we took these things out, does anybody feel for anybody without having a motive to do so? They say I love you, cause you make me feel good, and the things you do, and how you make me feel. I say I love you, and I don't care about the other things and I don't want you to care either. I think of you and I feel this thing I've never felt before, and that's love and I love you. Simple as that.
Love. Space. Understanding. Trust. Mutual respect. 5 things a relationship needs, If i recall the list right...
The world will never change. We will never change. Each generation will keep blaming the one before it for all the mess this world has to put up with, and will keep hoping that the next generation will wipe it up clean. we are just passing by.
Are you laughing at me, you silly old fool? Laughing at me and wondering why I sit and say these words that no one reads, and you won't understand? Do you? Come and sit in my place, you old fool, sit and see what I have seen. See the love, the hate, the pain, the anger, the envy, the lust...and then you'll see that once you've been down that road, you just see everything as black. Nothing to distinguish what the mind sees and what the mind says. Then you'll see, you old fool, that I was in your place once, mocking the man who said these words...and now I pay for my folly.
I am the worst person I know. To think of it, it should be true of everybody. But then, when we think of the people we know, we tend to eliminate ourselves from the count. Anyway, to get back to the agenda, I am the worst person I know. I think I am pathetic because I lack the basic survival skills needed here. I ostracized the instincts needed to survive, then I went crazy, crazy enough to believe that we are living in a real space. We are not. The world is not out there, it's what we make of it inside our heads. It's your fairytale or your nightmare. And we keep bouncing to and fro. We have no controls over our minds, it's like a nerve that won't stop twitching even after you lose consciousness. The mind was made to control. But who'll control the mind??
I hate mirrors. Because they make me see "me". Mirrors send me on a guilt trip, I can't look at myself in the eye. It's like the guy looking back at me is asking me, "What happened to you?" This is a guy who I have let down. This is the one guy I shoulder really looked after, but i did not. He is disappointed and that shows every single time I look in the mirror. I talk to the mirror too, but don't tell anybody. And the occasional karaoke. I'm just trying to make it up to that guy. I disappoint him, might as well as amuse him.
I am scared of being abandoned. Jefferson Airplane was bang on with the "Don't you want somebody to love??" cry. Everybody would say I am insane if I said this out loud, but I'm playing my last dime on the game of love, which the experienced would tell you, is not the brightest thing to do. But I can't think of anything I'd replace it with. Passions? I don't have a talent to have a passion for. Work? Family? Alcohol? Cigarettes? Sex? Nothing. I like to wake up in the morning thinking there's more to me being here in the world than just me, there's someone else who wants me to be here too. Makes me feel less selfish. And I know there's a real good chance (I'm not the easiest guy to be with) one day I'll wake up and that feeling will have gone. And that scares me...
The stupid don't scare easily. Unless you bring in the fear of enlightenment. With knowledge comes the fear, we are not scared if we don't understand. The day we know, is the day were condemned.
"Walking across the scorching desert, I came upon a creature,
Naked. Bestial.
It held a heart in its hands and ate off it.
I asked him, "How is it, my friend?"
He replied, "it's bitter.
And I love it. Because it is bitter,
And 'cause it is my heart. My bitter heart..."
I don't believe in a single word I've said.
I can't be trusted.
Why are you reading this?
Stop!!
This is my wound, and I like picking at it. But if you like watching, what does that make you?
I can feel the disgust in the world's eyes as I pass them by.
But someone will remember me.
Or what they thought I was.
Lies. The structure crumbles. Ashes to ashes. Dust to dust.
Not tonight. Freedom comes at a price.
And I shall have to pay.
The whole world is a madhouse. The only thing is, our prisons are inside our heads.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
